Babies have gas, and unfortunately there seems to not be much you can do about it generally. There are some drugs you can give, like infant Mylicon, but I think most people are less than thrilled about giving their baby more drugs than are absolutely necessarily. Because Ashley is one farty little baby, and is obviously causing her a lot of discomfort, a friend suggested bending her legs up to her chest in a pumping motion. This surprisingly works really well, pumping her legs from straight “plank” to touching the toes to the head (or close, since you don’t want to risk injury of course), and repeat that motion over and over. This results in pump, pfffft, pump, pffft, pump, pffffffffffffffffffffft.
The problem is that you need to do this constantly. um, no. I have better things to do with my day than pump my baby’s farts out. So I have come up with an invention. Pictured above is the Automatic Baby Folding Fart Ender. This invention will save parents from losing it due to colic and gas. It is a board which is hinged that you strap the baby down to. It then uses a pneumatic pump to fold the baby in half over and over again. The baby will be very happy. Toot Toot!
*disclaimer – this is a joke, please don’t put your baby into a contraption that folds your baby in half…
